Something very hilarious.. Laughed my guts off.. Author/Source unknown

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in
various places of subcontinent

1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have
to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me
one-week leave.

2. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: “Since I’ve to go to
the cremation ground at 10 O’ Clock and I may not return, please grant me half
day casual leave”

3. A leave letter to the headmaster: “As I am studying in this school I am
suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

4. An incident of a leave letter “I am suffering from fever, please declare one
day holiday.”

5. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: “As my headache is paining,
please grant me leave for the day.”

6. Covering note: “I am enclosed herewith…”

7. Another one: “Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my
below…”

8. From H.A.L. Administration dept: “As my mother-in-law has expired and I am
responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”

9. Actual letter written for application of leave:”My wife is suffering from
sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.

10. Letter writing: – “I am in well here and hope you are also in the same
well.”

11. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his
daughter’s wedding: “as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s
leave…”

12. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the
“mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son: “as I want to shave my son’s head,
please leave me for two days…”

13: A candidate’s application: “This has reference to your advertisement calling
for a ‘typist and an accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both! For the past
several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.”

Haa haa, an excellent song – sing to the tune of Hotel California by the Eagles.. All Mallus with a sense of humour will enjoy this.. Author unknown..

On the road to Trivandrum
Coconut oil in my hair
Warm smell of avial
Rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance
I saw a bright pink tube-light
My tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thin
I had to stop for a bite

There he stood in the doorway
Flicked his mundu in style
And I was thinking to myself
I don’t like the look of his sinister smile

Then he lit up a petromax
Muttering “No power today”
More Mallus down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace,
Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
It’s infested here

His finger’s stuck up his nostril
He’s got a big, thick mustache
He makes an ugly, ugly noise
But that’s just his laugh

Buxom girls clad in pavadai
Eating banana chips
Some roll their eyes, and

Some roll their hips

I said to the manager
My room’s full of mice
He said,
Don’t worry, saar, I sending you
meen karri, brandy and ice

And still those voices were crying from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them pray

Save us from the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace
Trying to live at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
It is no surprise
It is no surprise (background)
That it swarms with flies

The blind man was pouring
Stale sambar on rice
And he said
We are all just actors here
In Silk Smitha-disguise

And in the dining chamber
We gathered for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can’t cut that beef

Last thing I remember
I was writhing on the floor
That cockroach in my appam-stew
was the culprit, I am sure

Relax, said the watchman
This enema will make you well
And his friends laughed as they held me
Down God’s Own Country? Oh, Hell!!!

I’m driving along on the highway at 100km/h, minding my own business,

when out of nowhere there’s this big crack in my windshield!

I swerved right,

and then left,

and it was still right there!

scroll down to see what i mean……………………….

Here is some thought provoking read.. Not sure who the actual author is.. It is circulating under the name of George Carlin, but apparently he has not written it and some claim it is Dr.Bob Moorhead.. Whoever it was, it is very thought provoking..

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. 

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. 

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things. 

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. 

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete… 

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. 

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. 

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

From time to time you see some pictures that boggles your mind displaying the patience, determination and hard work put in by the photographers to get the desired effect.. The below photographs by Surf Photographer Clark Little creates the desired effect.. Kudos..

Read on..

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

************************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”

I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started…..

************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s how the fight started…..

************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.  She  said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started…..

************************************************************************

I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.’ Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started….

************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started….

************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.  Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started…..

************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started…..

******************************************************************

My friend Ashlee Chetty does’nt cease to amaze me with his ability to talk “kak” (south african term for S H I T) literally..

Here is the PREQUEL to the Kakka guide (what happens before the kakka)..

Enjoy but again, dont read this while eating..

The Anticipated Fart: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

The Back Seat Fart: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odour. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odour will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, “Who farted in the back seat?”

The Barn Owl Fart: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It’s a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.

The Bullet Fart: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

The Command Fart: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

The Common Fart: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.

The Cushioned Fart: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odour may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

The Dud Fart: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It’s a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn’t. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

The Echo Fart: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon . The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

The G and L Fart: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

The Ghost Fart: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odour alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odour, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart: This is strictly an old lady’s fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, “My, oh my,” or “Well, well.” There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person’s fart as there is.

The Jerk Fart: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

The John Fart: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person’s trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

The Lead Fart: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odour, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.

The Malted Milk Ball Fart: Odour alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

The Oh My God Fart: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts – a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg – as the Oh My Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, ‘Yuck!! That smells like kakka’ which would be understandable.

The Omen Fart: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

The Organic Fart: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

The Quiver Fart: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

The Rambling Phaduka Fart: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.

The Relief Fart: Sound or odour don’t matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, “Wow, what a relief.” Very common.

The Reluctant Fart: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

The Rusty Gate Fart: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

The S.B.D. Fart: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

The Sandpaper Fart: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

The Skillsaw Fart: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skill-saw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

The Sonic Boom Fart: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

The Splatter Fart: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

The Stutter Fart: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can’t seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.

The Taco Bell Fart: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day.

The Teflon Fart: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

The Thank God I’m Alone Fart: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, “Thank God I’m alone.” Then you get out of there fast!

The Tickle Fart: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!

Brand New ‘Release’:

The iPod Fart:  You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that’s when you remember:  you’ve been listening to your ipod. HEHEHE

So which fart describes you best ??????

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that’s when you remember:

 you’ve been listening to your ipod.

Haa haa, thats what actually one of my friends Mr.Ashlee Chetty did.. Read up.. ITS NOT FOR READERS SENSITIVE TO KAKKA or those who are act like that they don’t make KAKKA.. So don’t read while you are eating..

GHOST KAKKA:

The kind where you feel the kakka come out, but there is no kakka in the toilet.

CLEAN KAKKA:

The kind where you kakka it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET KAKKA:

The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won’t ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE KAKKA:

This happens when you’re done kakka-ing and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to kakka some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD KAKKA:

The kind where you Strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG KAKKA:

The kind of kakka that is so huge you’re afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY KAKKA:

It’s so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling

DRINKER’S KAKKA:

The kind of kakka you have the morning after long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN KAKKA

The kind of kakka where the corn look like raisins in a muffin.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-KAKKA KAKKA:

The kind where you want to kakka but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP KAKKA:

That’s where it hurts so badly coming out, you’d swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS KAKKA (The Michael Schumacher Kakka):

The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING KAKKA:

 This kakka refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done kakka-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE KAKKA:

You’re not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* — a kakka!

STIFLE KAKKA:

The kind where you want to go, need to go, but don’t want to bring yourself to go, so you just sit there, cross your legs, squeeze your bum cheeks together, and hold it in, til you start to smell it coming out your nostrils.

PILE DRIVER:

The kind where you feel it developing deep inside, but you can’t do a thing about it. Then when it starts to come out, it feels like broken glass forcing it’s way through your bum. Scratching & scraping & bruising everything on it’s path.

This is a scene from a few days ago on the roads of Johannesburg.. Shows an irresponsible adult letting a child not more than 3 years old stand ALONE in the back of a pick up truck, driving around in one of the main roads in Joburg.. I mean c’mon people.. Value the life of your child.. Do you think you could really live with yourself if something happened to the child..?? 

boy on the back of a pick up truck

Even if YOU drive carefully, ANYTHING can happen on the roads.. There is a reason why the seat belt has been invented.. USE IT.. 

This goes out to all other parents, adults who let children move around freely in the back of the car, in between the front seats DIRECTLY IN THE PATH OF THE WINDSCREEN, driving with a child on your LAP !!!!!!!!!!!!!! and also some of the retards who drive with dogs on their laps.. 

PS : I have smudged the boys face to protect his identity and also the number plate of the vehicle..